WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
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I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
How all things should be taught/explained.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?