What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
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I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush