what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
You Might Also Like
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.