What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
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no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”