@caliluvgirl77

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

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@QwertyJones3

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

@UncleDuke1969

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

@JediGigi

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

@NicestHippo

Please. Danger is my middle name.
“What’s your first name?”
Avoids

@ReaIRonSwanson

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

@MarlonBrandNO

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

@ComedyCarter

In life, God is my co-pilot. Unfortunately He is on the no-fly list thanks to His ties to several extremist groups.

@Possessionista

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

@DearAnyone

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

@BoomBoomBetty

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—