BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!
When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
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Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Please. Danger is my middle name.
“What’s your first name?”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
In life, God is my co-pilot. Unfortunately He is on the no-fly list thanks to His ties to several extremist groups.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.
My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—