What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
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If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.