Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
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me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
God has abandoned us.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Incredible customer service.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
*me flirting
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.