@benicus_rex

WHAT DO WE WANT
to stop shrinking
???? ?? ?? ???? ??
?? ???? ?? ???????? ??????

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@bransonreese

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

@juliussharpe

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.

@LMLMadness

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

@gisexllee

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

@danjan13

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

@TheToddWilliams

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

@deardilettante

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

@T_N_Crumpets

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

@Karissajem

Me: I’m quitting to go play guitar for Metallica.
Boss: Wow! I wasn’t aware that you even played guitar.
Me: Let’s not make this difficult.