What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Terribly Tuesday.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.