the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
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Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Netflix and awkward silence?
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*