What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
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Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
New tinder profile pic
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Favourite diary entry ever
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley