@HomeProbably

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

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@bingowings14

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

@Parkerlawyer

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

@StellaRtwot

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

@ClichedOut

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

@SarahFemme

The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.

@badbanana

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

@sammyrhodes

“We’re going to need a bigger pocket.” – iPhone 6 Plus

@protolalia

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

@undeadmolly

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.