[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
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6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Not to 1up you but *drops green mushroom on your head*
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
“We’re going to need a bigger pocket.” – iPhone 6 Plus
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.