What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
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I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.