What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
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Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!