What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
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had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.