🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
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Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Waiter: how did you two meet
Me: this is actually a blind date
W: *much louder* SORRY I SAID HOW DID YOU TWO MEET
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
HEAD OF THE NATIONAL WEATHER SEVICE: so how will we name all these hurricanes?
GARY, WHOS BEEN DIVORCED 31 TIMES: i have an idea
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?