@causticbob

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

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@SkinnerSteven

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

@ChipKellysBalls

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

@KevinBuffalo

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

@Barknado69

Waiter: how did you two meet

Me: this is actually a blind date

W: *much louder* SORRY I SAID HOW DID YOU TWO MEET

@Dishy2101

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

@hippieswordfish

HEAD OF THE NATIONAL WEATHER SEVICE: so how will we name all these hurricanes?
GARY, WHOS BEEN DIVORCED 31 TIMES: i have an idea

@chuuew

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?