@causticbob

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

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@Lerky

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

@TheMichaelRock

I’ve seen enough episodes of “Cops” to know that you should avoid all people with blurry faces.

@JerseyRambo

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

@TheNYAMProject

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

@Cheeseboy22

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

@EmissaryKerry

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

@Matty_Lombardo

Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight!

Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise?

Me: No, that’s not it. Keep thinking! We’ll figure this out.