It weirds me out my phone won’t swear. What, is it religious?
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
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You can only regret what you remember.
I’ve seen enough episodes of “Cops” to know that you should avoid all people with blurry faces.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
i love meeting boys on tinder
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
teacher: Poe, try
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight!
Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise?
Me: No, that’s not it. Keep thinking! We’ll figure this out.