@OhNoSheTwitnt

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

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@joshgondelman

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
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@OhMrWonka

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

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[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

@GlennyRodge

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

@gorrdano

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

@ChiefTwittler

I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.

@mortimermaiden

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

@sixfootcandy

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

@dog_feelings

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

@CarrieMayhem

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