What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

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In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”


One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.


[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.


MAGICIAN: Is this your card?


MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?


A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.


I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.


I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.


Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.


today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence


Turn ons include impeccable spelling, proper use of grammar, affinity for board games, love of superheroes, and a huge…