What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
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When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.