What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
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Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
mathematically impossible
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”