“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
You Might Also Like
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
*launders Kohls cash*
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.