@pauleggleston

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

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@TheRolo

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

@yoyoha

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

@justaride

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

@Reverend_Scott

[dies and goes to Heaven]

GOD: Hello, welcome to-

ME: WHERE ARE ALL MY DOGS?

GOD: Right this way.

@ObscureGent

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

@sofarrsogud

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

@HousewifeOfHell

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

@writerPT

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.