What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
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I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
What if all the cashiers are married?