[Walking around the office]
Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
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“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
[dies and goes to Heaven]
GOD: Hello, welcome to-
ME: WHERE ARE ALL MY DOGS?
GOD: Right this way.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.