Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
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I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.