what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
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Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.