@iamburtjarvis

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

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@Elizasoul80

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

@Token_Geezer

The reason the Japanese kill so many whales is because they remind them of Americans

@ramblinma

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

@jellybnbonanza

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

@murrman5

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

@MelKassel

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

@Chicken_Hawk38

I just made my Chiropractor’s day by calling him Doctor in front of his mom.

@BarebakAssassin

The best thing about dating someone with a barbed wire tattoo is knowing that you won’t be known as their “worst regret” when you break up.

@SaraMansford

Germ 1-OMG he dropped his pizza!

Germ 2-PIIZZZAAAA!!! Let’s get it!

Germ Capt.-Stand back! He still has one more second to pick it up.