Hilarious if literal: arms race
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
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I don’t care about all the nasty stuff people put on here about Nicki Minaj.
I’ll still suck her c**k anytime.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
*Slides a five across the bar*
Bartender: Did you… Did you break this off our sign out front?
Me: (Confidently) tap water please.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.