@iamburtjarvis

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

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@TheCamelToe_

I don’t care about all the nasty stuff people put on here about Nicki Minaj.

I’ll still suck her c**k anytime.

@geowizzacist

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

@Jandalize

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

@thenatewolf

*Slides a five across the bar*

Bartender: Did you… Did you break this off our sign out front?

Me: (Confidently) tap water please.

@iwearaonesie

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

@rachelaxler

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

@spacej_me

Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.