‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
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*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger