What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
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My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
True?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
🤣🤣💀
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Waiting for the Charmin