If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
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POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Motives for murder:
2y.o eating his lunch: “Papa’s coffee hot?”
Me: “Yeah baby it’s hot, don’t touch.”
2y.o: “Me blow on it for Papa?”
It was at this point I witnessed with horror, my 2y.o attempt to blow on my freshly made coffee, only to spit a half eaten chicken nugget straight into it..
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Dropping 11yo off at school.
11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic.
Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop.
11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin