What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
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“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Where is your GOD now????
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you