doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
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[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Wife: [on phone] what are you up to?
Me: We Bought a Zoo with Matt Damon.
Wife: aw I love that movie!
Me: what movie?
Matt Damon: did you tell her yet? [elephant noise in the background] what did she say?
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period