@brianbowman73

What do you mean I can’t change the past?

*logs on to Wikipedia*

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@BraandoCommando

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

@dave_cactus

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

@NoogsCorner

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

@Mechaniz10

You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.

@jonnysun

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

@mydmac

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [on phone] what are you up to?

Me: We Bought a Zoo with Matt Damon.

Wife: aw I love that movie!

Me: what movie?

Matt Damon: did you tell her yet? [elephant noise in the background] what did she say?

@LostFelicia

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

@HonestToddler

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

@sbellelauren

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period