@MourningGlory_

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T LIST THOR AS AN EMERGENCY BACKUP?!?!

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@Kendragarden

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

@angibangie

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

@JesKeepSwimming

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

@Hormonella

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

@JoParkerBear

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

@bobvulfov

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

@vineyille

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

@AngryRaccoon2

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

@KimmyMonte

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug