My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T LIST THOR AS AN EMERGENCY BACKUP?!?!
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I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread
that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug