What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
You Might Also Like
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
new shirt idea
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it