what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
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Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.