finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
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You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Breaking news:
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
HOW DARE YOU