What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
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[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Florida be like…
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
technically true but not a great slogan
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album