What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
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[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
omg leave her alone
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
the battle rages on
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.