“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
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[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!