@Jack_Wagon1

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

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@PoodleSnarf

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

@ItsSamG

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

@ZipperMouth_

I’m calling them Accused Murder Hornets until I hear their side the story.

@Ennui_Raver

If you’re such a powerful warlock, why do you have diabetes.

@BrennanMichaelP

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

@maughammom

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

@lmegordon

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

@Brocklesnitch

I can’t believe women used to have to wear shoulderpads, i’m so grateful menstruation moved to the vagina in the 90s.

@stanleybehrman

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

@Midgetspar

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.