Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
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PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I’m calling them Accused Murder Hornets until I hear their side the story.
If you’re such a powerful warlock, why do you have diabetes.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I can’t believe women used to have to wear shoulderpads, i’m so grateful menstruation moved to the vagina in the 90s.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.