What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
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Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year