@AwwRobin666

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

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@TGIJeff

When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can’t open my eyes under water

@Burnam1

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

@squirrel74wkgn

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

@WheelTod

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

@TheWidowmakerX

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

@crunchenhanced

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

@timdonakowski

After weeks of being called lazy, not only did I put up all our Christmas decorations today, I also took them down.

@Rica_Bee

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury