Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
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wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me: *slides can of spinach across table* what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeye’s
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
[picking name for new puppy]
doc: so how are you feeling
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.