What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

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wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear


me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there


Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters


interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me: *slides can of spinach across table* what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeye’s


wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle


Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.


[picking name for new puppy]

13: Pixie.

16: Rosie.

Wife: Annie.



doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood


Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.