[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
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Never trust anyone who says you need to come out of your shell because let’s start with the fact that they think you’re a turtle
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
Number 7 will shock you