What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
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[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!