@JPLFR80

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

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@XplodingUnicorn

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

@andylassner

Never trust anyone who says you need to come out of your shell because let’s start with the fact that they think you’re a turtle

@IvoryGazelle

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

@TweetsByKaylee

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

@_davidlucas_

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

@stevevsninjas

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

@darinlovesbacon

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

@TheZachCozad

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

@markydoodoo

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

@thepunningman

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”