What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
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[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.