What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

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Me: How was the party last night?

17: It was fun. The cops came.

Me: What???

17: Nah, it’s cool. We got away.

Me: That’s my girl.


Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.


Donald Trump calls on Hillary to shut down her foundation. Meanwhile, we’re all still begging him to choose a more natural color for his.



Priest: what the HELL

Me: *eating banana split like corn on the cob* my bad did you want a bite


Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.


CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.


Me: I’ll have a medium coffee

Barista: That’ll be $3.95

Me: With a splash of almond milk

Barista: That’ll be $17.95


I was gonna put on my cowboy hat and sit on my patio shirtless to showcase my abs when I realized I don’t own a cowboy hat, a patio, or abs.


[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*


Coworker: Ugh, the coffee is too strong

Me: There is no strong coffee. Just weak people.