Me: How was the party last night?
17: It was fun. The cops came.
17: Nah, it’s cool. We got away.
Me: That’s my girl.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
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Donald Trump calls on Hillary to shut down her foundation. Meanwhile, we’re all still begging him to choose a more natural color for his.
Priest: what the HELL
Me: *eating banana split like corn on the cob* my bad did you want a bite
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I was gonna put on my cowboy hat and sit on my patio shirtless to showcase my abs when I realized I don’t own a cowboy hat, a patio, or abs.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Coworker: Ugh, the coffee is too strong
Me: There is no strong coffee. Just weak people.