What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
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[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
some things should go without saying
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter