Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
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I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I need a headline like this
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Room with a view.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.