What do you mean you were really drunk? I already changed my Facebook relationship status for you.

You Might Also Like


Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*


Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully


Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE


me: *running around the operating room in circles screaming*

patient: who’s that?

nurse: your trauma surgeon

patient: wow he’s good


*During math test*
My answer: 28.
Answer choices: 17, 19, 26, 45.
Me: “well 26 is closer to 28, so that must be the answer.”


If you piss me off in the grocery store I will get in line in front of you and pay for a single banana with a personal check


Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak


Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.