Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
What do you mean you were really drunk? I already changed my Facebook relationship status for you.
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Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
me: *running around the operating room in circles screaming*
patient: who’s that?
nurse: your trauma surgeon
patient: wow he’s good
*During math test*
My answer: 28.
Answer choices: 17, 19, 26, 45.
Me: “well 26 is closer to 28, so that must be the answer.”
If you piss me off in the grocery store I will get in line in front of you and pay for a single banana with a personal check
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
My prom date everybody
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.