Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
What do you mean you were really drunk? I already changed my Facebook relationship status for you.
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Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Interviewer: tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I forgot about this hilarious exchange
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
You can lead a horse to water, but you have to work really, really hard to get him up on water skis.
Being a software engineer is pretty cool because I can just stare at my screen/zone out & if anybody questions me I say I’m optimizing code
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?