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All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
This is my pinned tweet
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I have so many questions.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.