Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
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Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.