“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
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when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process