Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
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“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever