What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
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Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
me hitting on a model
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”