What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
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I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime