Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues