What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
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Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
The best plant holders?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
SF is the wild wild west man
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry