What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
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I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
g
a
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d
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.