What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
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People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I ate everything, including the H.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
How wrong was this guy?
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM