What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
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The biggest mystery of our time
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.